Those of you who are not open minded, or are easily offended i suggest you don't read this section of my site. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED
ALCOHOL WARNINGS:
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible or worse bulletproof.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said, "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had answers to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're likely to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that too", the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it."
Dear Earthling: I am a creature from outer space. I have transformed myself into the mouse you have in your hand. Right 'now' I am having sex with your fingers. I know you like it because you are smiling. Please pass this on to someone else because I'm really horny. Sincerely, your mouse
Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House.Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up."Bill, Bill wake up."Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom." Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
** Low Priority ** This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive odor of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women aren't dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? -- 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? -- 45 mins. What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? -- Sexual Harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? -- -3.99 a minute. How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up. How can you tell if your husband is dead? -- The sex is the same, but you get the re- mote. What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? -- Humpme Dumpme. What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? -- Marriage. How many men does it take to change a light bulb? -- None, they just sit there in the dark and complain. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? -- Through his chest with a sharp knife. What have men and floor tiles got in common? -- If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? -- Because those men already have boyfriends. What is a man's view of safe sex? -- A padded headboard. How do men sort their laundry? -- "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable." What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? -- After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What do you call a smart blonde? -- A golden retriever. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? -- The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry dozen donuts. Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? -- The woman who ate the last donut. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? -- A battery has a positive side. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? -- The blonde, because she's 18. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? -- When you take it off, you wonder where the breast went.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, George says to Bob behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better go see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to go spendin that kind of money," replies Bob. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore down at the corner. Just bring along a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what is wrong and what to do about it. It takes just seconds and only cost $10...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So George deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He puts $10 in, and the computer lights up and askes for the urine sample. He pours the urine into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, George began wondering if the computer can be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masterbated into the mixture for good elevation.
George hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits $10 and pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
