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Right now i am going through a tough time. I really like my friend Jeff and he says he likes me too but doesn't want to hurt me, I don't know what to do, no matter what anyone thinks, and they can take it whatever way they what, but I love him. I just wish he could understand.
The clouds have been lifted :) I am now going out with Jeff, I'm so happy. I can't believe that patience actually pays off. Oh I don't know if anyone can quite understand the joy in my heart, it's like it has taken over my entire body.
Well jeff has dumped me, it lasted a little over a week. I guess I can't say I didn't expect it, I mean good things just don't happen to me. I used to tell myself that if we did ever end up going out, he's the type of guy you actually could remain friends with after the break up, well I was right. Things are back to pretty much exactlly the way they were. I guess thats a good thing but I still love him, I guess I always will.
Well you'll never believe this, it's been a few months since Jeff dumped me and I'm doing ok being his friend again. Well we were up in the light booth during play rehearsal we were talking and he, he kissed me, it was the most amazing thing. I mean I've only dreamt of that moment for near 2 yrs now, it was like angels were singing it was just so amazing. Afterwards however I didn't feel so great, well I did but I didn't I was extreamly confused. He claims he's unsure of his feelings and then he goes and does something like this. I asked about it the next day he said he didn't know. So neither of us knows well thats just great!
Well it's been about a month since the kissing insident with Jeff. We were up in the catwalk checking the cords on the mics and he did it again, this time i pulled away (I didn't want to but I had to) and told him I had to know what this meant. He told me he had feelings for me and this other girl and then he broke down. I told him it was ok I just have to know, and that everyone makes mistakes. I told him I've made a similar mistake and learned from it, and thats all he had to do was learn from it. When he went to leave I told hm that no matter what happens between us "I love you" I have never said that to him before, I've wrote in cards and such, but never out loud, it felt good to say it. Even if he didn't really care.
Well guess what, yup thats right Jeff did it again. He kissed me, and we had a total makeout session. It was great I hate to admit, but the next day he made me feel like shit. I talked to him about it a week later and told him I need to know what whats going on and if anything was gonna become of it. He gave me a silent answer. I vowed to give up on him for good. As you know I can't do that, try as I might I can't get over him. Oh well I'll be gone in a few months.
I recently started going out with my friend Bryan, It's really cool hanging out with him, and I'm really comfortable, but I'm moving soon and I don't want to get attached so I have to break up with him before we both get hurt baddly. I feel really bad that it is so close to his birthday.I don't wanna hurt him, but if it goes on longer we'll both get really hurt so I have no choice. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRYAN!!!
Well I just found out some info on Jeff. Apparently the games he's been playing with me, well he's been doing the same to other girls. This time for sure I give up on him, I mean you just can't go around doing that to people, it's wrong.
Well prom has arrived, I stayed mad at Jeff all night, which made my date nervous cause I was in a bad mood. I was trying to ignore Jeff and have a good night, but his dancing is irresistable. Later after my date left I danced with my friend Benson, and the very last dance who was I dancing with? Thats right none other than Jeff. Everytime I get mad at him, I can never stay mad at him and he knows it. I told him what I found out. He said he is full of guilt. I think he's full of shit, I don't know what to do.
More problems... yippie! Brian (the one I went to prom with) has apparently thought he was my boy friend for the past month and 1/2 I had to set that straight. I mean I kinda like him and all but I'm moving soon and plus he kisses with his teeth. Now I'm starting to talk to Benson even more, and I'm afraid I'm begining to like him as more than a friend. When I laugh with him my laugh gets caught in my throat and I'm really nervous at the same time I'm not... I haven't had those feelings in a long time... I don't know what to do speccially since i'm moving soon. The weirdest part is everyne knew I liked him before I did, Byron (his brother), Jennie, Jeff, and R.J. all knew before I did and never bothered to tell me.
Lets see, I've moved to minnesota, leaving all my friends behind. It's hard, and I get so lonesome sometimes, and I miss them all.
I started my new job, and I'm trying to make new friends. I met this guy Vince, he is really cool and sweet. I think I might really like him, but I just met him, and I don't want to screw anything up. I still love Jeff, and Benson, but I know I have to let go specially since we are hundreds of miles apart.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about Bryan, and remember how I broke up with him so I wouldn't get attached and neither of us would get hurt as baddly? Well Ii failed, I still have feeligns for him and I talked to him about it and he said that if I was back in Michigan he would go back out with me and I would go back out with him too.
I went to Valley Fair(it's like cedar point or six flags, an amusment park), with some people at work, I had a lot of fun. I finnally let myself call Stephanie a friend tonight, when I had and emotional breakdown her and her friend Peter were their for me and I can tell they really care.
I am trying to stop thinking about all the bad things that have happend in my life and all the people that have hurt me. I wrote everything down that anyone has ever done to me then I ripped up the papers hoping that they will dissappear from my mind as the papers go into the trash.
There is a new guy at work named Patrick, for some odd reason they have me traning him. I'm so nervous about it since I've never trained before. I did a lot of stuff wrong, he might as well been traning me. He's a nice guy though, but he wants me to play match maker with him and this other girl at work, I guess that doesn't give me a chance huh? Oh well, I think I'll survive.
I had an apiphany (forgive my spelling) today, things happen so let them go, nothing is worth your time or your tears exspecially men, life, friends. sooner or later you are gonna get hurt so why let your self, I'm started the construction on my damn again today, and you are not gonna break it down, only way it's comeing down is if I let it and it's not gonna come down this time, sorry to you all who have before and will continue to try. GoodBye Nina, GoodBye Jeff, GoodBye Stephen, GoodBye to everyone that has hurt me, you are no longer in my life so don't bother acting like you know me, because I don't know you. Please no one take this offensive, if you haven't hurt me you have nothing to worry about, I'm still here and I'm only doing this till I can get rid of the bad stuff that is always bringing me down.
I've been talking to Benson a lot on-line lately and I can't help but to think about him. He let me read some of his story that he's writing, it's a very special thing that he let me read it, I don't believe many if anyone else has read it. I talked to his brother last night and mention that I'm still in love with someone back home, it's weird that he didn't figure it out, maybe he did and just didn't let me know he knew, he's tricky like that
Well I got the age old saying today. Stephanie was talking to patrick(the new guy) and asked him what he thought of me or something like that, he of course said, she (meaning me) has a great personality and I love her to death as a great friend, but I'm not attracted to her. Figures I seem to get that everytime, oh well.
Today was interesting, I was told by my friend Bryan that I was the best girlfriend he's ever had. He's so sweet, I never would have broke up with him if it weren't for the fact of me moving to Minnesota. Also today I made Patrick tell me himself that he wasn't attracted to me, I prefer to hear it form the person than from someone else.
Drama between Stephanie and Patrick have made me the middle person again. They want each other, but they can't have each other. He's 17, she's almost 23. Things are ok now they talked it out.
I called my friend Bryan today, his away message said that he misses me a lot, he's a sweety. I don't really know what to say except :)
Pat is now trying to set me up with one of his friend and I'm kind of nervous about meeting him. I get to meet him tomorrow.
Well I met this guy. He seems nice, not that attractive, but that isn't what matters, problem is he reminds me of my ex boyfriend Shaun. You see i dated this guy shaun twice. The 1st time it was for 3 days because i was scared at all the attention he gave me. (now that would make this new guy seem like a good guy right? The bad part is yet to come) I pushed him over to my best friend (name won't be mentioned for her safelty) so he would stop bothering me to go back out with him. Well I eventually gained feelings for him after my friend and him broke up I and wanted him back, but my friend had became in love with him so I couldn't do anything about it. Eventually my friendd became ok with it and i went out with him again. He was aways trying to get under my shirt etc. One time I made the mistake of wearing a snap up shirt which made him think it needed to be undone, needless to say after he didn't listen to me when i said "NO" I got away and changed. He thought it was funny. (I think not) Later I was working on a school play and one of my guy friends(name not mentioned for their safty and mine on this one.) kissed me and I didn't push him away, I kissed him back. Well I felt so guilty about it even though I never ment for it to happen, so I told Shaun about it, and for obvious reasons he broke up with me. Well months later I found out that he slept with my best friend 2days after he broke up with me and he had been fooling around with her while we were going out. (so why was he mad at me?) I also found out that he had spread around the whole store that he had slept with me, and well I was then and still am now a VIRGIN, and proud of it (ok that was obvious) so now do you see why I'm scared that this new guy reminds me of Shaun? I think I will try to get to know him though, cause he was shy when he met me so I don't really know if that is the way he is. One last prob, I'm still really like 2 People back home. One I'm in love with.
My friend Bryan recently asked me what I would think if he were to get a gf. I didn't know what to tell him, but honestly I'm jealous that he even asked me but what can I do?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BENSON!!!
I don't know whats going on today, I'm really depressed and I wrote another poem/song but people think that I'm puting myself down in all of them so I don't see why I bother even sharing them with anyone. I feel like an idiot.
Bryan read what I wrote about being jealous and took it completly the wrong way, which made my bad day even worse. I had to explain it to him that I'm jealous cause I still have feelings for him. Seriously is it that hard to understand what jealous means? On the up side, ok not really, work sucks, I can't do anything good enough for anyone... ever.
I get to go back to Michigan in a week, I'm so excited. I miss everyone so much, specially Benson. I hate being so faraway I feel so helpless. The other day he was having probs with his lung and I just wanted to be there with him, but I couldn't and it makes so sad. I just wanna be there for everyone and I can't. It hurts when people I love so much are in pain and I can't help them. On a lighter note today is my friend Jenny Roy's 17th birthday. Happy Birthday Jenny! BTW I need to thank all of my friends and family for with out them I wouldn't have all this to talk about and I would never know what color to use for each section, Bryan picked this one. Thank you all!
I've finnally decided what I need to do, I just don't know how to do it. I need to find out if there ever was a chance for me with Benson. If there isn't/wasn't then it will be easier for me to find someone up here in Minnesota. If there is/was then I will prolly be trying to find a way to move back because I really do love him, I just wish it didn't take me so long to relize it. I have to learn to love myself though before I can let someone in completly. I also have to get over the whole Nina (biological mother) situation, this I am not yet ready to write, I can but most of you who know me know about most of it anyway, not all, but most. I am beggining to relize that I'm not as hated as I seem to think and that there are some that actually like me and love me I've just been blind to it. I need to stop suspecting everyone (sorry Jeremy). I hope I get things figured out and then I can truley love those whom I love and then be happy. Maybe I'll even get over my fear of rejection.
Hey guess what? I'm here in Michigan visiting and it is awsome. I went to Jennie Soule's B-day party it was a lot of fun. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNIE!!!. We went to Chuck E Cheese it was tons of fun. And guess what I chickened out I didn't talk to Benson like I planned. It turned out I really didn't have to anyway. By the way he was acting I could tell he doesn't feel the same way. If I'm wrong I'm sure if he reads this he'll let me know, but untill then I'm going on what I saw yesterday. I believe I just took his great friendship as somthing more. I love him as a friend and that won't stop, I'm just not going to pursue something I can't have. I might go back to Minnesota and give those guys who have asked me out a chance. I feel a bit more open now, and kinda free too.
For most of the week I hung out with my friend Keith during the day and at night I would hang out with Tom and his friend Kathy. We had a lot of fun. Tom tought me to play History and Sequence, I still don't quite get History, but I'm getting there. The last day I was in Michigan Tom called me and told me not to be surprized if he got called to go active, I was really scared, and cryed, but he told me he might be reading the signals wrong so not to worry too much. I had a little "party" a few ppl showed. It was nice to see them again. I had some fun with this guy (not mentioning name for one of my friends would be angry sorry) he held me all night and I was so comfortable I didn't want the night to end. We even kissed a little bit under the basement stairs, I kinda wish it was more than just litle pecks, but I was kinda nervous at the time so I didn't make that move, wish I would have though. Him and another friend of mine (also male) were kinda fighting over me, jokingly, but it was still funny. Later Kathy showed and watched movies with us, she told me that Tom was going active for sure, which got me really upset and I kept crying. The guy that was holding me all night long gave a hug before he left and a kiss and told me to keep in touch. That made me smile for a while. I like to smile. I cryed some more that night. Partially cause my friend might be going active and I'm afraid to lose him, when I have so much unsaid, partially cause I miss everyone so much, partially cause I know how lonely I will be when I leave to go back to Minnesota and partially cause I had so much fun and couldn't even share with one of my best friends for she would be angry. Later I called Tom knowing I would get his voicemail, basicly told him to be careful and such. He called me the next day and told me he wasn't active they were just doing the final preperations just in case. I felt a whole lot better.
Today I was talking to my friend Colin and he kept telling me I should try one more time to tell Benson how I feel and see if I can't get a reaction. I just can't do it so I told him to print the conversation and show it to him at school, so that is what he is going to do. I don't know what to do if he does like me cause then I feel bad for my friend and I being all over each other at my "party" in front of him. And also what am I to do if he does, because there is no way for us to call each other, his internet doesn't work right now, and I don't know the addy of where he is at. Colin is gonna try and get it for me or give mine to him. Funny thing though I used to have a crush on Colin and I found out today that he used to have one on me as well. If we only knew, huh? Oh well life goes on.
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